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Nycki
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Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Fri 1010 Aug 07, 5 am Post subject: |
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Hi Anoopkumar
U say that 'Should' is the real villian and feel that 'ought' and 'must' are not so bad?
I am not so convinced of that because 'obligations' and 'expectations' are jes as rooted in DEMAND as 'shoulds' are. Infact...I think they are only shoulds by another name!
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Nycki
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Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Fri 1010 Aug 07, 5 am Post subject: |
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Howdy Kevin!!!
Thank u for ur posts....I always enjoy them!
U said that Ellis's theory of 'not rating yourself at all' is unworkable. I plan to ponder on this one a little more coz I am not sure if something like this can become habit in time or not. One way of looking at it tho may be to acknowledge that none of us are perfect...there are times when even if we wish to not rate ourselves, that we will hear that little voice giving its rating of our performance or self. I am guessing that the 'ideal' that Ellis was wishing to strive for, was a ceasing of that negative/distructive little voice that we all have....knowing all the time that though we can limit it, we really cant stop it. I look forward to getting to see Burn's theory in practice later on in the book as u said!
U also mentioned about Ellis's theory not dealing with 'Mindreading' and 'Fortune Telling'...but I wonder if these 'thought distortions' dont stem from a 'Should'. Eg...if I decide that someone is going to think I am an idiot because I got on the wrong bus....then am I not really saying that "Since I didnt get on the right bus I am an idiot and everyone will think so because I should have got on the right bus"? How can anyone think well of me when I dont do wot I should? Is it possible that my thinking that someone else is thinking X...means that I believe X to be the right thing to be thinking for that person at that time as per my understanding of that situation? Because I think X is the right thing for them to think....X is the thing that SHOULD have happened and I failed coz it didnt.
And 'Fortune Telling' - "Things have a right way and a wrong way of happening, and because I am not as in control/good as I should be...they will always work out wrong for me".
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REBT-CBT-FORUM
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Joined: 16 Jul 2007
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| Posted: Tue 1414 Aug 07, 7 pm Post subject: |
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Tue 14 Aug 07, 6:50 p.m.
It's the (moralistic) demand or the demandingness behind the words should, ought & must that are the problem. The phone rings and we say "Oh, that must be Joe!" is a perfectly innocuous and acceptable use of the word must.
"It's 7:59. The 8:00 bus should be along any time" is another innocuous example.
Then there are other ways to be demanding, what I refer to as disguised shoulds. "Why didn't you take out the garbage?" is normally not a request for information, but rather a way of scolding and expressing disapproval indirectly. The interesting this is, however, that it usually prompts the accused to come up with some explanation or excuse for not taking out the garbage, which often as not, is exaggerated or simply untrue! Funny game!
Obligations, I think, become lighter when we frame them as a choice rather than a demand. After all, there is almost always choice just as along as we are willing to accept the consequences.
Aloha,
Rex |
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