Nycki
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Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Sun 1010 Feb 08, 4 am Post subject: Chapter 4 - Marriage: Vicious and Delicious Circles |
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Wow…this chapter has sorta blown me away! It feels like the fact of life is that if u have negative experiences with someone all you have to do is do some REBT and if the other person doesn’t change their habits of a lifetime within 4 months….they get dumped….divorce is the right answer! Wow…I’m wondering now if those who use REBT are more likely to divorce than those who don’t! Where did the time frame come from?
Since REBT promotes that our thoughts are upsetting ourselves and that the way to a more peaceful life is to change how WE personally interpret a situation….wouldn’t that make it more likely that those with REBT skills can successfully stay longer with a partner? Sure….I realize that people can change, or they may have never been right for each other in the first place…it jes seems harsh that 4 months of REBT and if u fail to live up to someone elses desires…ure dumped! Did Donna even know she was on trial…with a set execution date?
Before anyone worries that I am shy of Divorce….maybe now’s a good time to mention that I have been married twice and divorced twice. I instigated both of the divorces….but never did I put a time limit on it, and never was REBT a justifiable reason to call the marriage over.
Isnt it possible that something else may have been able to cause a change for the better in their marriage even if REBT didn’t do the trick like one expects it too? I firmly believe that people can change, but only when they are ready too….maybe it wasn’t Donna’s time to change within those 4 months.
Is this chapter saying that when two ppl work on REBT together than it can work out, but when only one person does it, its never enuf? I find it hard to see REBT as the deciding factor if that’s the case. Maybe wot really was the problem is that when only person attends therapy, it shows that one party isn’t willing to do all they can to find a solution. For that reason…I can see why it would be more likely for Donna to lose her marriage. I am still struggling with the deadline…it jes seems random.
Nycki
I feel the same way about the deadline. Maybe it helps to note that the deadline is just for Donald, what he and Edelstein worked out together, and not necessarily something that would be prescribed for everyone?
Ellis too can be very hardcore like this... your goal in life is to be happy and if the person you are with is not making you happy, after a bit, just cut them loose! It seems almost Randian to me. Just utterly selfish and potentially very cruel. But then again, maybe this is all there is and so if we are not happy we are best to move on and damn the consequences.
I dunno; I've never even been in a long term relationship, so it's not for me to say.  Still, I'd like to think that if I married the relationship could be something worth fighting hard to save.
I did like the chapter's showing us how folks dealing with their irrational beliefs can help them cope. The ol' 'things do not upset you unless you upset yourself' maxim is old hat to me but I still have difficulty really living it. It's just so easy to get carried away by your emotional reactions when you feel like you have been wronged or whatever.
Kevin
Posted by: "Kevin Brown" kb1381@gmail.com ktb1381
> Maybe it helps to note that the
> deadline is just for Donald, what he and Edelstein worked out together, and
> not necessarily something that would be prescribed for everyone?
Dear Kevin,
Well stated!
The termination deadline--or even whether to set one--depends on individual circumstances. It also depends on weighing your values, advantages, and disadvantages.
An extreme case I had involved a man who had a very bad marriage. However, he would not consider divorce due to his religious beliefs. Consequently, I helped him accept an unpleasant marriage, while doing what he could to improve it and have a happy life despite it. Recommending deadlines made little sense in this case.
BTW, if you wish to phone me, I could help you clarify the self-esteem vs. self-acceptance notion.
Best, Michael
Michael R. Edelstein, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
San Francisco
415-673-2848 (24 hours)
Author of Three Minute Therapy:
(with David Ramsay Steele, Ph.D.) |
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