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Nycki
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Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Sun 1010 Feb 08, 4 am Post subject: |
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So far this book is giving me just what I need, in order of
importance. The first chapter was about anxiety and worry, and this
one is about self-esteem.
I was thinking as I read this about how great it would be if I could
be the kind of person who never ever rated himself. I can think of
several dumb things I did just today that I wouldn't have done. No
more being a knee jerk apologist or feeling sorry for myself. Maybe
I'd try and meet some women. Maybe I'd quit procrastinating since a
lot of the reason I do that is because of my silly need to be
perfect... As the author puts it, I would be seeking happiness in
life, not seeking to prove myself.
But, this is the real world, and that's all fairy stories, so I better
get on with life! Just kidding.  I definitely need to do more of the
three minute therapy exercises! I've been trying to do one a day, and
they have been very helpful. I'll post a self esteem one over the
weekend.
nitpick about the title: can't we 'feel good about ourselves' without
self rating? What's wrong with feeling good about yourself as long as
you are not implying that you are somehow superior or inferior?
Kevin
Dear Kevin,
I'm glad to hear the first two chapters have been useful for you.
"Feeling good about yourself" is equivalent to high-self esteem. Each can be conditional or unconditional. If unconditional, then it's not far from Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA), which is the cure to self-esteem I recommend in the chapter.
It's usually ok to feel good about yourself or to esteem yourself as long as it's unconditional, e.g., "I'm good because I'm alive," "I'm good because I'm human," or "I'm good because I'm good," and you define this as true for all other humans, as well. If it's not unconditional, then all the problems of self-esteem apply to feeling good about yourself.
Best, Michael
Michael R. Edelstein, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
San Francisco
415-673-2848 (24 hours)
Author of Three Minute Therapy:
(with David Ramsay Steele, Ph.D.)
Features help for anxiety, depression,
relationships, panic attacks and addiction
*A Quality Paperback Book Club/Book-of-the-Month Club Selection
To order: www.ThreeMinuteTherapy.com
Or toll free: 1-800-986-4135
Email: DrEdelstein@ThreeMinuteTherapy.com
Hi Kev...
First I wanna say that u are an AWESOME guy...u need never doubt that! (coz its true and not coz I jes said it! ) U could meet a women anytime u fancied!
Another thing I wanted to say is that for some of us being a 'knee jerk apologist' is a habit we acquired as part of a survival technique...many years ago. When I find myself doing this I dont actually feel 'sorry' coz in reality, I know that its jes a habit of mine and its really quite fake! haha If I know that I wasnt to blame for a situation, I cant have any guilt over having caused it, can I? Plus...if I am aware I am apologizing for something that wasnt my fault, maybe I am aware that it was the other persons fault and its jes my nice way of helping them to feel better. Do we do this coz we are sacared others are not emotionally/mentally able to cope with their own failings so as to make apologise for themselves! I know I am being arrogant when I do it...so really must stop! Its like when ppl used to give me a compliment and I would say something stupid coz I was embarrassed. All the embarrassment left me when I was told one day jes to say 'thank u' coz that was all that was needed. I think its social skills that are to blame for these types of things. I remember years ago being anxious about a friend of mine who was going to visit me. My anxiety was to do with how I was going to 'entertain' her. Another friend of mine put me totally at ease by saying to me that it wasnt my job to entertain anyone. My visitor is an adult and more than capable of entertaining herself...of taking responsibility of her own happiness. WOO HOO...automatically I was free. What had held me prisoner....my mistaken belief that I had to entertain my friend, it is wot a real friend would/should do...and I would not be likeable if I didnt do what a good friend is expected to do. My belief came from my not knowing that I didnt 'have to' do anything. My belief was due to 'social ignorance'. When my friend told me what she did, she gave me a social skill I was without.
Another gem for me was in finding out that when someone shocks u with some statement/actions..u DONT HAVE TO give an immediate response!! We can all take our time to think of the response we know we will be most proud of making in the future. Ppl who are keen to please...are not aware of their basic rights!
I think thats why I enjoy self-help books so much...coz from time to time u find the little gem that lets u know some social skill that can save u much time and anxiety!
I like the point on page 34 that our income is no reflection on our personality. It’s a reflection of what others are prepared to pay us for the service we choose to give them. This reminds me of how if someone frowns at you for saying or doing something they didn’t like….its not a judgment of the whole of u, its only the other persons feeling/thought of one action of urs. For us to feel bad about one action of ours when we consider how many single actions we do in our life time….is really quite bizarre when u think about it!
I like this coz…I think its great to acknowledge that income is merely business and doesn’t have to be taken personally. Having said that…it feels personal when someone rips us off in business as it does when ripped off in love. Feeling ripped off is feeling ripped off….no matter what its cause. This of course proves that it is the cognition involved that makes the difference to how we feel about a situation….about how we cope with a situation.
This has to be a huge struggle for each of us coz we all live in a world where money, status, abilities, looks etc…do matter. Our ability to make money, friends or to achieve what we set for ourselves has a huge effect on our lives. We are in a society when one day u can be ‘respected’ by everyone, and the next minute you make a bad business/romantic etc decision and u feel the loss of that respect. Since that’s a truth…doesn’t it yet again advocate that we ‘respect ourselves’ and don’t pay too much heed to the goings on of others? As Michael says….’rating’ ourselves means our focus is ‘Self-centred’ instead of ‘problem-centred’. So when we get self conscious we are really being arrogant! Arrogant = thinking too much of ourselves!
Anxiety and Depression are all about comparing ourselves to others and lets face it, the outcome for us when we do these things is tragic! We are all naturally going to feel we fall short when we are comparing ourselves to the other person who we have put up on a pedestal coz we are ignorant of their failings and insecurities. Why poop on ourselves like that? Arent there enuf people out there who like to torment us? I think its time we gave the other guy a chance! Haha
One of the big things I keep coming back to when I start to see myself beginning to compare myself and to start feeing crappy is “Do I want to be depressed, or is this situation really not worth destroying my life over?”. Once I remember that…I distract myself with something more worth my effort! We only have so much time and effort to spend…I wanna spend mine wisely! Having said that…I see Michael points out the perils of ‘distraction’ when used as a means to gain self-esteem. The example is of Ned who took up jogging so as to keep his self-esteem when his wife took up nagging him. His theory was that if he went out for a good run he could be proud of himself and his wife’s putdowns wouldn’t hurt/depress so much. What Ned needs to do is to take his wife out running with him and lose her on some dark corner…..nick home fast and change the locks! Hahahaha… Seriously tho…this example is a good one to show us that there are some times when distraction isn’t a good thing coz it sets us up for more grief. Like any thought that equates our worth to some event or quality….it’s a set up for us to fail….and not just once!
Another gem on page 34 of the study is where Michael speaks about how foolish it would be for someone who values having free time more than a higher income …to spend their time in pursuit of more money than they need to enable them to live with the amount of free time they need. Of course; sometimes we have to work more than we want jes to make ends meet….however there are a lot of people out there who are working more than they have too….and many making themselves totally miserable in their pursuit of money. I knew from a very early age that I was the type of person who valued my own space, valued time much more than money. I had a hard time feeling okay about who I am coz my value of time was/is a lot more than any one else’s in my family. I grew up being told that making money was the way to be in control of myself and others. I’ve had to learn that what I have or don’t have is no reflection of me as a person. I can feel good about myself without having to use some ‘thing’ to justify it. I guess the flip-side is that by being self-aware we can see the things in our lives that show us that we are not living up on our own values/beliefs…so that we can make changes that we see fit to make. But as Michael says….for us to feel that we fall short of our own or societies ‘preferences’ for us and for us to rate ourselves because of this, is to cause ourselves unnecessary grief. On a personal note….I’ve had everything and nothing more than once in my life, and I can honestly say that at the end of the day…my worth didn’t change by wot I had in my physical life!
As Ellis and Beck said from the start…its all about what we spend our time thinking on. Changing a habit of a lifetime is of course is very hard tho….even tho REBT makes so much sense!
Nycki
A = Someone may get upset with me for missing their post and the archive becomes incomplete.
B = Since I am not getting all of the emails through to my email account, I may not know when someone's made a post and by not including someone's post in the achieve, I may upset someone who will then be justified in feeling I let them down. I took on this job and I want to do it perfectly least someone feel I took on a job that was too big for me. It would be shameful to look inadequate when we are talking about archiving posts for an online book study.
C = Worry, Depression
D = Where is the evidence that worrying or feeling depressed is going to stop others from thinking I am not capable of collecting all of the relevant posts for the archive? Where is the evidence that making mistakes or not achieving a complete transfer of the posts to the REBTCentral site means that I am a complete failure who should feel ashamed? Where is the evidence that I cant cope with my imperfection and of upsetting other people?
E = Any time I have worried or been depressed in the past, my performance has been hindered...sometimes to the point where I would not even try....that means that the archiving wouldn't even happen at all. I have no control over the thoughts and feelings of any other person.......I barely have any control over my own! lol If I were to do some great event on the same day that I get told that I am a failure in someone's eyes regarding the archiving, which thing 'deserves' to be taken notice of and have an effect on my whole mood for the day? I've upset people on a regular basis all my life...and yet I have never 'not coped'! haha!
F = Sight concern only
Nycki
On Jan 24, 2008 10:27 PM, Nycki <nycki@e3.net.nz> wrote:
>
> Hi Kev...
>
> First I wanna say that u are an AWESOME guy...u need never doubt that! (coz
> its true and not coz I jes said it! ) U could meet a women anytime u
> fancied!
Aw shucks. Well, but I'm sure you meant to say I am a person with
awesome attributes, not that I AM awesome.
> Another thing I wanted to say is that for some of us being a 'knee jerk
> apologist' is a habit we acquired as part of a survival technique...many
> years ago. When I find myself doing this I dont actually feel 'sorry' coz
> in reality, I know that its jes a habit of mine and its really quite fake!
> haha If I know that I wasnt to blame for a situation, I cant have any guilt
> over having caused it, can I? Plus...if I am aware I am apologizing for
> something that wasnt my fault, maybe I am aware that it was the other
> persons fault and its jes my nice way of helping them to feel better. Do we
> do this coz we are sacared others are not emotionally/mentally able to cope
> with their own failings so as to make apologise for themselves! I know I am
> being arrogant when I do it...so really must stop!
No, you really 'must not' do anything.
I will have to think about this... I think sometimes I apologize for
the reasons you state, but sometimes I really do feel like I have been
a burden so I apologize over and over again. So I'm putting myself
down at some point. Maybe apologizing once would be good, but I overdo
it, do you know what I mean?
Like the other day this woman was trying to show me something, and I
just wasn't getting it, and I think I must have apologized 4 times to
her. It just looks really really sad after a while and I'm sure it
doesn't help the situation. So for me it often is about putting myself
down. I would have been better to apologize one time then not beat
myself up about it, which could make me want to apologize profusely.
> Its like when ppl used
> to give me a compliment and I would say something stupid coz I was
> embarrassed. All the embarrassment left me when I was told one day jes to
> say 'thank u' coz that was all that was needed. I think its social skills
> that are to blame for these types of things. I remember years ago being
> anxious about a friend of mine who was going to visit me. My anxiety was to
> do with how I was going to 'entertain' her. Another friend of mine put me
> totally at ease by saying to me that it wasnt my job to entertain anyone.
> My visitor is an adult and more than capable of entertaining herself...of
> taking responsibility of her own happiness. WOO HOO...automatically I was
> free. What had held me prisoner....my mistaken belief that I had to
> entertain my friend, it is wot a real friend would/should do...and I would
> not be likeable if I didnt do what a good friend is expected to do. My
> belief came from my not knowing that I didnt 'have to' do anything. My
> belief was due to 'social ignorance'. When my friend told me what she did,
> she gave me a social skill I was without.
wow, I can really relate!!! I've totally been there, and quite
recently too. In fact, I just apologized to a friend who had visited,
since I felt I did not entertain her well enough.
> Another gem for me was in finding out that when someone shocks u with some
> statement/actions..u DONT HAVE TO give an immediate response!! We can all
> take our time to think of the response we know we will be most proud of
> making in the future. Ppl who are keen to please...are not aware of their
> basic rights!
Hmm, good thought.
> I think thats why I enjoy self-help books so much...coz from time to time u
> find the little gem that lets u know some social skill that can save u much
> time and anxiety!
>
What are your favorite\most helpful self help books? Aside from
REBT\CBT books, I mean?
I like them too, but I have probably read too many, not deeply enough.
I will say a book called Instant Analysis was quite good. Also, one
called 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Cheers,
Kevin
It's interesting to see what others' issues are in regards to self
esteem. I tend to be more upset that I am not as smart or educated as
others. I'm not super successful, but I'm doing alright. A lot of
folks at my job are much better educated than I am, which they of
course SHOULDN'T be!
I spend a great deal of my time feeling inferior and like a fraud.
Sometimes I think I should focus every spare moment on this issue. But
I'm also afraid of getting fired and ending up in dire financial
conditions, and that kind of thing.
I wonder if it's best to solve one problem with CBT\REBT at a time, or
attempt to tackle them all at the same time?
Kevin
On Jan 24, 2008 1:32 PM, <DrEdelstein@threeminutetherapy.com> wrote:
>
>
> Dear Kevin,
>
> I'm glad to hear the first two chapters have been useful for you.
>
> "Feeling good about yourself" is equivalent to high-self esteem. Each can
> be conditional or unconditional. If unconditional, then it's not far from
> Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA), which is the cure to self-esteem I
> recommend in the chapter.
>
> It's usually ok to feel good about yourself or to esteem yourself as long as
> it's unconditional, e.g., "I'm good because I'm alive," "I'm good because
> I'm human," or "I'm good because I'm good," and you define this as true for
> all other humans, as well. If it's not unconditional, then all the problems
> of self-esteem apply to feeling good about yourself.
>
> Best, Michael
Thanks Michael.
But why isn't it alright to 'feel good' about myself for having lost
10 pounds, or for having done well on a project? Couldn't I be saying
to yourself something like:
"I feel good about myself because I did so and so and that is in line
with my goals. I love being good at so and so! Not that this makes me
more valuable as a person, or better than anyone else, but I do feel
good that I am better at this thing, or turned down something that is
not good for me".
>
> Michael R. Edelstein, Ph.D.
> Clinical Psychologist
> San Francisco
> 415-673-2848 (24 hours)
>
> Author of Three Minute Therapy:
> (with David Ramsay Steele, Ph.D.)
> Features help for anxiety, depression,
> relationships, panic attacks and addiction
> *A Quality Paperback Book Club/Book-of-the-Month Club Selection
>
> To order: www.ThreeMinuteTherapy.com
> Or toll free: 1-800-986-4135
> Email: DrEdelstein@ThreeMinuteTherapy.com
>
> > 2a. Chapter 3 - Self Esteem: The "Feel Good About Yourself" Trap
> > Posted by: "Kevin Brown" kb1381@gmail.com ktb1381
> > Date: Wed Jan 23, 2008 5:20 pm ((PST))
> >
> > So far this book is giving me just what I need, in order of
> > importance. The first chapter was about anxiety and worry, and this
> > one is about self-esteem.
> >
> > nitpick about the title: can't we 'feel good about ourselves' without
> > self rating? What's wrong with feeling good about yourself as long as
> > you are not implying that you are somehow superior or inferior?
>
>
Kevin
Hi Dr.
What if your clients aren't being good? What if they're acting like
jerks and being generally unhelpful and unpleasant toward themselves
and the people around them? Do you tell them they're good because
they're alive and good because they're human? A lot of people have
good reason to not feel good about the way they've been carrying
on.
Herenow000
--- In REBT-CBT-FORUM@yahoogroups.com, "Kevin Brown" <kb1381@...> wrote:
> I wonder if it's best to solve one problem with CBT\REBT at a time, or
> attempt to tackle them all at the same time?
Going on my personal experience only,... once you make some progress
with Ellis' USA ( Unconditional Self Acceptance ) other issues simply
drop away.
I found Ellis' Self Esteem book to be very useful for theories and I
found "Overcoming The Rating Game" by Paul Hauck for putting USA into
practice.
A good way to look at USA, which I got from a post by Mica, was to
look at developing USA and UOA ( Unconditional Other Acceptance ) as a
life long effort, like maintaining your weight.
Ellis believed that the single most effective way of achieving USA is
being stubbornly determined to get it. It sounds like a vague Zen
dodge, but once you start putting some elbow grease into it you will
see that.
HTH
Steve
Dear Kevin,
You asked:
> why isn't it alright to 'feel good' about myself for having lost
> 10 pounds, or for having done well on a project? Couldn't I be saying
> to yourself something like:
>
> "I feel good about myself because I did so and so
My Self-Esteem chapter is a response to this question. I suggest you reread it.
To put it in a nutshell: You are not your behaviors
Michael Edelstein, PhD |
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Nycki
User is Offline
Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Sun 1010 Feb 08, 4 am Post subject: |
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Mon 28 Jan 08, 6:47 p.m.
I dunno! Perhaps I am just an old fuddy-duddy, but I find the appropriation of the word "awesome" by the young whippersnappers to be just TERRIBLE! I can't stand it! Twenty foot waves on the North Shore of Oahu are AWESOME! Kevin is . . . is . . . is . . . ah . . . er . . . well . . . like, you know . . . whey kewl !!! Ya, know?
On a more serious note, I recognize that all global labels, both positive and negative are bogus over-generalizations. Needless to say I am a lot less fastidious about avoiding the positive labels than the negative ones, but the semantic and REBT principle is exactly same in both cases. If you avoid using global labels, it forces you to be more attentive and honest toward other people. It is easy enough to lay a fatuous "He's a great guy" on someone to flatter or manipulate or even to deceive. However, you have to call on more emotional honesty (and hence vulnerability) to just say "I like him!" And it moves even further in that direction, becomes more genuine, when you bother to think of something specific that makes you feel that way. For example, I do like Kevin, and I like his friendly, open manner on this forum, his earnestness and eagerness, and how he seems so diligent about learning REBT and willing to share his private thoughts and feelings with us, warts and all. So, thanks Kevin. I for one find your participation here helpful and valuable.
Ya, know?
Aloha,
Rex
Kevin Brown wrote:
On Jan 27, 2008 11:31 PM, Nycki <nycki@e3.net.nz> wrote:
Kevin...
Hrmm... Whats so wrong with saying ure an awesome guy? I didnt say that it
was coz of some 'act' that you have done...why couldnt I have meant that you
are an awesome guy jes coz ure u/alive? Why would u not be awesome?
lol...trust me if I was doing inappropriate/fake apologies to u Kev u'd say
I MUST stop! hahahaha!
I'm sorry Nycki! I mean... er.... never mind! No, seriously, I get
what you are saying.
I guess the other side of that situation u were in with the women trying to
show u something and u not getting it is that u could have been telling her
off that she sux as a teacher! haha!
Yes, I think upon reflection that was part of it. I did kind of feel
like "why is this woman doing such a lousy job? I'll just apologize to
amke sure my criticism doesn't get her down too much".
I dont know Instant Analysis, who's that by? I do have the 7 habits of
highly effective ppl on my shelf, but I confess to not having read it yet.
I like 'Life Coaching' type books, and I like to read some relationship
coaching type books also. Andrea Molloy is my fav Life Coaching
person...and then Barbara Sher next. My bookshelves are very full and even
tho I read as much as I can...I still need to get thru a lot more books yet!
Thanks, I'll look at those. Instant Analysis can be read about here:
http://www.amazon.com/Instant-Analysis-David-J-Lieberman/dp/0312194668/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=boo ks&qid=1201513348&sr=1-1
I'm sure it cuts some corners
and is not for pros like yourself, but
it does, IMHO, have some good insights into common psychological
problems. Sometimes I'll just dip in and get something I can grab a
hold of and use.
v
Hi Kevin,
I have problems with self-esteem. Doesn't everyone?
I have repeatedly told myself that things would not have happened if I would have behaved better or done what I was supposed to do and as a result, everything is my fault.
I grew up with a mother that repeatedly told me I would amount to nothing and the fear of making her mad resulted in my being terrified of telling her anything about what I was going through.
The individual that took advantage of my fear used it to explain to me why I couldn't tell her what was going on. He ingrained into my brain the hard-wired thought that everything that happened was my fault due to my bad behavior. And that "they" would kill me if I said anything. And yes, I believed them.
As a result, I have self-loathing and I don't believe I deserve anything better. I don't know if that is equivalent to low self-esteem. My intense need to people-please requires the approval of everyone I meet. But; I fear the words of praise I receive as i believe it means I must work harder to continue their approval.
My REBT therapist has been working with me for 5 years now and my negative self-talk has been diminishing; however, dealing with PTSD just makes it that much harder for me to change my thinking. I have no concept of what "normal" looks like and I easily "prefer" to be "invisable" in order to avoid any reference to past/current events.
Fear at work for me is being "complimented" on things I do. I "HAVE" to keep them happy at all costs and when they are complimenting me I feel intense anxiety and I minimize what they are saying. Why do I feel this anxiety during praise?......My experience has been the more invisible I am, the safer I feel.
My 3-minute homework:
A. Someone praises me for anything.
B. I must not be noticed or something horrible will happen to me.
C. Intense anxiety and fear.
D. - These are not the same people.
- Nothing bad has happened to me (outside of one supervisor that knows my history and takes liberties with me because I can't say "no". - my therapist is handling) as a result of someone's praise.
- I am not a horrible or evil person.
- It is ok to receive praise....
- I don't feel completely safe; however, outside of the one individual, no one has ever done anything to hurt me in the 23 years I have been working there.
- I can say NO and mean it.
- I don't have to work 80 hours a week. No one else does and they do just fine.
E. I can accept praise with the belief that nothing bad will happen to me. If something bad does happen, it is not a reflection of my worth as a person. I can protect myself by segregating myself from certain individuals and by practicing saying "NO" and mean it. If I continue to do my homework, the old neural wiring will break down and new effective thinking will take its place. I can control my environment to a great extent and I can stay away from dangerous situations.
F. Still scared; but determined to win this battle. My worth is equal to everyone else's and I can learn how to set limits by practicing.
vicky
To All Bookclub Participants,
I would be pleased to respond to all questions you have for me as you read Three Minute Therapy. To help me determine which questions are for me rather than for just anyone in the group or are simply rhetorical questions, please cc me on your question at
DrEdelstein@ThreeMinuteTherapy.com.
This would increase the likelihood I won't overlook your question and you'll get a response from me when you desire one.
Many thanks for your consideration and attention to this matter.
Best, Michael
Wed 30 Jan 08, 9:38 a.m.
Hi Vicky, all,
Thanks for the honesty. I know it is distressing to some people to suggest that so called low self-esteem is more like pattern of bad habits than like a "condition." However, when I made it a discipline to stop calling myself names, stop awfulizing about what I may or may not have done, stop the relentless, breast beating "Ishouldn'thavedoneits!" via REBT & CBT techniques, I began to begin to feel better in general and about myself.
Aloha,
Rex
Kevin Brown wrote:
Aww shucks, Rex.
Apparently I don't understand the whole Unconditional Acceptance thing as much as I thought. But I refuse to devalue myself because of my ignorance!
Cheers,
Kevin
Mon 04 Feb 08, 7:14 a.m.
Hi Kevin,
By refusing to "devalue yourself because of your ignorance" perhaps you do understand more than you think. Self-acceptance and self-esteem is not a "thing" or a condition that you get like athletes foot. It is something you do, on a daily basis. When you say "I accept myself . . . " it's a verb, it is an activity, it is something you do. Some people seem to do it more easily and unconsciously (or unselfconsciously) than others. But that doesn't matter. You do it by catching yourself when you you call your self names, awfulize about your behavior, and other distorted unhelpful thinking and speaking, and then dispute it with your favorite REBT-CBT method, and then replace those irrational, moralistic judgmental thoughts with ones that are more realistic, cooler, less inflammatory, more accepting. Such as "Apparently I don't understand the whole Unconditional Acceptance thing as much as I thought. But I refuse to devalue myself because of my ignorance!" Another version of that is "It's OK for me to not understand every fucking thing in the Universe!"
If you actually believe what you said, you get extra credit. If not, there is more work to do, but that's OK. Dig holes in the problem like Swiss Cheeses, and pretty soon you will be a big, fat mouse who feels really good about himself!
Good job!
Aloha,
Rex
Mon 04 Feb 08, 4:53 p.m.
And an udder ting . . .
You may appreciate a saying you hear at AA a lot. Although I don't think the word "spiritual" is particularly helpful, the saying itself is, something to the effect of, "We accept spiritual progress rather than demanding spiritual perfection." Although the grammar is not particularly elegant, you could easily substitute concepts such as "growth" or "facility with REBT" and such for "spiritual", or just regard "spiritual" as a code word or a generalization for something else. Or change it into very generalized shorthand, "I am working on moving toward more acceptance and less demanding"
Aloha,
Rex
Rex Alexander wrote:
Mon 04 Feb 08, 7:14 a.m.
Hi Kevin,
By refusing to "devalue yourself because of your ignorance" perhaps you do understand more than you think. Self-acceptance and self-esteem is not a "thing" or a condition that you get like athletes foot. It is something you do, on a daily basis. When you say "I accept myself . . . " it's a verb, it is an activity, it is something you do. Some people seem to do it more easily and unconsciously (or unselfconsciously) than others. But that doesn't matter. You do it by catching yourself when you you call your self names, awfulize about your behavior, and other distorted unhelpful thinking and speaking, and then dispute it with your favorite REBT-CBT method, and then replace those irrational, moralistic judgmental thoughts with ones that are more realistic, cooler, less inflammatory, more accepting. Such as "Apparently I don't understand the whole Unconditional Acceptance thing as much as I thought. But I refuse to devalue myself because of my ignorance!" Another version of that is "It's OK for me to not understand every fucking thing in the Universe!"
If you actually believe what you said, you get extra credit. If not, there is more work to do, but that's OK. Dig holes in the problem like Swiss Cheeses, and pretty soon you will be a big, fat mouse who feels really good about himself!
Good job!
Aloha,
Rex |
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